Waiting on the world to change

I may have been uninspired for blogging or that practically may be a whole exaggeration of excuse. Though perhaps my life has been so blessed that if I continue writing you might sense my bubbles and lollipops too much that they may annoy some hearts or worse, hurt. I find no room of space to annoy let alone hurt.

Well something pops out in my mind while I spent today with open eyes and heart, wider for both. An infelicity, such an onerous issue that is why, why in the world is it so hard for everyone to be happy for others' happiness? I still am very perplexed of how some people could just go on with their lives, hating and attempting hardcore on bringing people's lives down. How irrational that is when you come to think of it even the slightest bit of thoughts could cause me breathing problems. I no worry too much, I merely speak my thoughts out. And it's not really that I'm a thinker, I merely speak my thoughts out.

Continuing...

So apparently, I just can't comprehend. You see, we all have been through rough paths in our lives, we all have scars, we all have fears, and we all have been hurt before. We all may somehow find along the way, that conceivably some of us even shared the same experiences. But never mind that really. My point is, why can't we just accept that? Why can't we accept that we all have our own moments of happiness, sadness, victory, achievements, and that we all have our own? Why go throwing yourself out there being mad and dissatisfy when the right isn't at all yours at the first place? Why can't we all have clean hearts and yes, be happy for everyone else? Yes I know we're only human but come on. Be it you hate someone or despise them with all your heart, don't go making it obvious as it would change the world or something. If you don't like others, it's alright, at least don't hurt others. We're not kids anymore that one thing's for certain. Common sense okay please. Later mates.

xx

Hold on to me

"I wanna be the one who lifts you up when you're down"

I won't give up on you on this. I may be a failure, because as obvious as it gets, I cannot make it happen. I cannot be the one filling up the emptiness inside your heart let alone getting rid of it. I cannot cure your fears, your doubts and your sadness. I feel like losing. Because attempting at my best, I still find myself struggling to at least make you feel whole. If I cannot make you feel whole, then who am I? I wanna be the one to always manage to cheer you up without you consciously realizing, I wanna burn your anger and be the reason of your every happiness. Please Allah, let me at least not being the reason of his pain. At least if I am not the best, perhaps I could be closer to that. Aminn.

xx

Speechless

I decided to blog in Malay. I hope it'll be comprehensible by you.

Tak faham. Langsung tak faham. Kadang-kadang rasa macam tak berbaloi langsung berbuat baik demi orang lain, berkorban tak pasal pasal (ini tidak termasuk kawan kawan rapat dan keluarga). Orang yang dianggap macam kawan biasa biasa ni bahaya sangat. Tak akan pernah terlintas dalam minda yang dorang boleh buat macamtu. The worst part is, mungkin kita dicaci dan dimaki oleh benda yang kita tak pernah buat. Dan paling merimaskan ialah, semua yang berlaku seolah olah kita ni sungguh jahat dan tak berperikemanusian. Macam kita tak pernah fikirkan perasaan dia at the first place, macam kita tak selalu pulak rasa nak give up dan lepas kan saja perasaaan hati yang mula berkembang dulu. Kenapa ye? Bila kita buat baik dengan orang yang kawan biasa biasa je ni, selalu disalah anggap. Kita dah tunjukkan effort nak baik semua, ingat kan dah okay la. Rupa rupa nya tak. Kenapa ye? Tak pernah ke dorang fikir pasal perasaan kita pulak? Kenapa semua orang macamni ye?

You don't know what I've been thru and what I've done for you and your every sake since before. Even now I'm still sacrificing and being so nice. I know I could do worser and meaner. That's why. But I won't. I know better than to go embarrassing myself trying to ruin someone's life. I am not like that. I've grown better. Maybe you never know, and you never will, and it's not that I really want to be appreciated for everything I've done, no not at all, but at least don't be selfish. Don't judge me just like that as if I've done shits to you. No don't do that. It's not even close to a slightest bit of fair. I was so bumped. I thought everything is settled and that we all could finally have our own happiness. Guess not. Just yet.

xx

Don't worry, be happy.

Yes I know, yes I know. Here I am publicly apologizing to the readers of this much vacant blog, for not updating for almost a week now. I am indeed so elated seeing the visits down there increasing as if the blog has been advertised or something, ludicrously afraid but well I could not be any happier. Though I once had an urge to go private this blog because getting readers nor followers was not the main reason I do blogging. At least, not anymore. But I am honored and stoked to share more of my opinions and stories ad complains with all of you lovely readers. Pinky promises to each one of you for more of worth reading posts, Insya Allah.

I have been busy and life is treating me so well. Alhamdulillah. Simply making the best out of the so little times I still have before entering college life. Oh yes no, not at all ready. Anyway, me and my classmates had this huge dinner for us, on the 16th of April. It was somewhat refreshing, you know seeing them all with both eyes brought back the good times all of us once had for two years. We were pretty much the same as I can see, as I can feel deep within. The noises, the madness, the jokes, the fun, the togetherness. Perhaps the times while we drifted apart made us realized so much; that we all have lives of our own, that we always gonna go our own separate ways but it can never change our feelings towards each other. You know, usually when you just stop seeing friends for a little while, or fair to say for quite some times, when you meet again, it's like everything changes with time. But grateful I am with them or with most of my close friends, the feeling never changed. And yes I had fun with all of Cekap 2009/2010 ex students. Looking forward to see you guys again.

Let me take you somewhere new now, to all my new friends. It's easier naming them as new friends, because they are the latest group of people I've known so well. So yeah. Since school ended, I have been spending a lot of my times with them. So far so well, and yes I have put my faith in them, in our friendship. And so, what's next? Mhmm my love life. Ow wait, I may somehow get some people perplexed because I am aware of the so littlest stories about me and what's happening in my life. I am also aware of the posts that are closer to what we may know as issues or merely general. I have to get used of sharing a bit more, don't I? Attempting at my best! So I shall continue. Love life? Shall mention I am indeed so happy, content, in love and well if happy isn't telling a lot then I don't even know how to describe some more. Hehe.

Frankly, this feels so awkward. Like me, really writing about what's happening in my life currently. Well I hope everyone is happy with their lives too. Be grateful and appreciate everyday. It won't hurt attempting hard at happiness. Not just for you, but for everyone too. Later mates!

xx

Love makes you do right and wrong at the same time.

Lately I got a firmer grip on the saying "what goes around comes around". Many of you may define the words as karma, but yeah I don't find believing in karma is allowable. So no, not karma, mere the saying. The only reason is that the saying has been a great deal of actions towards me and it has been showing the distinct side of it. I become more aware of this particular thing that no one in this world deserve any form of trust of not breaking your heart. No one. Even the ones you never thought would, eventually they would. So yeah. I got hit quite hard on the inside. Nothing more priceless than the lesson. And so I shall thank my forever best friend for always being there for me, all the fucken time since years ago.

Another thing I'd like to mention here is regarding second chance. I was never a fan, neither am I now. But little that I, myself know I just gave it to someone who may come off as undeserving for one if you all knew what happened. As you have read, I've been writing about how pain does nothing anymore, well I could say it was boastful. Exaggeration of, even after all the pain, the boredom of pain, they beat nothing but a brand new pain. That's what I wasn't thinking about when I wrote on about pain and all. So yeah. Beaten at its best. To someone, who crushed my trust, you got a lot of work to do to make it up to my heart. Second chance coming out from me is rare. So hopefully, you got plenty to learn from.

xx

Have I found you?

Yesterday, before I set my dreams in just the right position, I read my old journal. The yellow one, October 2009 to March 2010 journal. I can't recall the approximately time of the reading session but I can on the jaw droppings, the laughs, the reminisced memories, the tears. Mix of all emotions was a little bit too much and hard on me last night. The thrill was making me jumped in my bed like a kid and it hit me like a tons of brick knowing how easier life was back then. How I used to be so content, even though dramas never really moved in any angles at that time but well I could say everything made sense.

Like I was so in love and I knew how to love, I indeed fell. Like all my classmates were great (they really were until school ended but now they are there but farther to reach, I mean some of em), school mattered so much. I had the same best friend I have now back then. Just you know wow moments. It was kinda hard to sleep afterwards because I had to pause all the stories. Heheh.

You know, this is mostly what I'd do when I feel somewhat down for awhile, I look back on the greatest days and memories, and they make me smile like no other. It's also one way or another to make you feel a little bit more grateful than you already are for the life, the journey, the path Allah had given you. At some point, having faith does not seem so ludicrous anymore. 

xx

Never say forever

I swear when it comes to times like this, I could write 53477934823482 posts in here. Because as for such, I am not one with the ability to go pouring my heart out to people, even my family and my closest. With them, I would but a few days later, or when the issues already bore the shit out of me. I don't know perhaps, I got used to it. I got used to bearing all the pain on my own, I would attempt to solving my issues on my own first before letting my people know em. Tell me how not fair is that because obviously when I sense my people are up for something, I would go all the way to make em share with me. It's not about trust, never about ego. It's just what I do. I don't want to burden people with my endless craps that may somehow be a jeopardized or suicidal  issues. Perhaps I attempt so hard at pleasing people. Uh? Or perhaps, it's time I really let the walls down for people to see more of me. Reserved has been my middle name, because for God's sake I am not friendly. You could sit on the same bench with me the whole time, the whole day and you most probably won't know my name as I go by at all. It's not about trust, never about ego. It's just me. Ohmy, I sound so troubled. Later alligators.

xx

Crushed.

At this point right here, I could tell by my heart that I am in no way at all having the slightest bit of idea or faith of what more life would lead me to. I hate saying or clarifying the fact that I may somehow along the path of disappointments and struggles that losing faith is one of those nightmares I have to face. But now that it seems stronger on the out and the inside, I won't try to be in denial just because I know I'm good at that, no I won't. I now am certain that I'm losing it day by day. The faith, the urge, the interest, everything. Nothing holds interest for me any longer. Like how it used to be. As if disappointments await me in the face every time I'm about to do something good. Hoping also feels unnecessary. Expecting is even worst. Optimisms are bullshits. I don't know what went wrong. As if 1A for the GCE holds no one attention. Or yea maybe it does not. I was just day dreaming. I don't want me to be losing. Just because pain is bearable does not mean my future could stand it in any way. Let's just pray for the best. Till then, maybe I would just enjoy this crushed moment before it is vanished. 

xx

Let me out

I doubt every single night, I swear. There's just so much running through my mind every time the day ends. The anxiety, the fear. Everything. So if you can't wash away all these doubts and fears, what would this mean after all? Mhm? Perhaps, just perhaps, I have trust issue? Or my fears are beginning to haunt me down? Or is it just your shadiness that's bothering the shit out of me?

Perhaps, just perhaps, I never really told you.

xx

Note to guys:

If you are going to be with her, please be sure that you may somehow decisive of your move. Because there are so many guys out there that would die to have a chance with her. If you are going to treat her badly, remember how some other guys out there, wish through every night and day of their lives just to have a look on her smile. If you are going to beat her emotionally to tears, remember there are guys who will be willing to wash away all her fears and make her feel alive again.

If you are going to play around with her feelings, make sure you first let her know, because you just don't have any idea how many times her instincts have told her at many nights before sleep that you are indeed gaming with her, you just have no idea how she denied every assumptions her head made, just because she actually trusts you, because you made her. If you are going to have other interests on another girls out there, that are so much prettier than her or so forth, remember how it makes her feel worthless and that remember, somehow there's always going to be someone comforting her when you make her feel that way, little that you may know.

If you are going to be unfaithful, remember that she just wanna be told what's wrong and reasons you won't tell her at the first place. If you are going to hurt her, to make her cry, to make her anxious to her breaking point, to make her doubt your love and promises, to make her think twice, to make her mad at her highest boiling point out of the silliest things, remember, there are some guys out there that would ever treat her right and much better than you do, and they are the ones who truly deserve her, not you. 

#justsaying

xx

I would if I could.

I would assure everyone if I could (but that's pretty pointless) that I could bear any pain from now on. Tell me about it, whatever pains, and wounds, disappointments, heartbreaks, breakdowns, anything. Any single form of pain. Not bragging at all cost. Merely acknowledging this fact just now, so I thought writing it down would knock the reality in my face, hard. Perhaps, just perhaps, I've been through so much that whenever I come close to think of it, I would just obey the ultimate fact that I may get to the point where pain becomes immune and bearable for me. Sometimes, I wish someone's pain is mine because I've been there so I know exactly how that someone would handle the pain that's too cruel, because I might handle it better, so that that someone is free to live again, like the pain never scarred the heart. Protect your heart, because I would if I could. For you, for all people that are hurting while I'm typing these words from heart. One thing I assure, one pain that I may not and will not bear so well is death of people I love. That's for sure. But other simple, common pains, the obviousness of bases and cores are disappointments and so forth are bearable. At least, as far as I know of. Take care people. Appreciate and love while you can.

xx

I bruise easily

I have come to realize that I haven't worn any form of heels for most conceivably two weeks. I also have come to realize that I don't even know the reasons of me not wearing em. I lost points. Just today something knocked me out of my senses, the sight of em beauty with heels on their feet, burnt my eyes.. it did hurt. No kid at all. Well, as you may know of, or not know of, I am 153 cm tall. As if it would sound so right putting "tall" right after "cm" with that little height. Not that I'm complaining. Not at all. I envy those tall people. Envier if they never come close to being appreciative or grateful of their height. All in life is fair so yea, I accepted the fact that I'm petite, that urge in me to always wanting to wear heels sometimes doesn't work anymore. It's nothing, really. Simple, next time I'm going out, Imma bruise my feet hard.

Oh and just so you know, I am undoubtedly, in love.

xx

Sing us a song.

That moment when you get in a car, and the radio starts playing songs. Of course radio does that. Another moment, when you realize all the songs playing are gaming the shit out of your past, history, memories, moments, people and so forth. That, is the ultimate reason of me hating radio. No offense though but fuck it. It troubles some bit of hearts if there are some like mine, where songs play quite an essential part in your life. Sometimes, some songs that are once forgotten can haunt the memories behind it like some kinda healing process of amnesia or something. This explains the obvious alternate moods of mine when I'm in a car. I think I have succeeded the art of utter annoyance whenever I'm in one. Even myself assured when she's alone in it. I could be singing along (most of the time) and I could be staring out the window like I'm in a movie for God's sake, as if it's a shooting. Ohmy. Whatever it is, my certainty that is, songs can affect us that much. Don't they?

xx

Tearing up all hearts

You know, when we abruptly fall out of love (I pray we never gonna have an end, but love, I'm being pure realistic), who is the one that would be there for you, to go back accompanying your every emotions, to hold back your tears, to sew back the broken heart and promises, do you know who would? Do you know that this person wishes upon God everyday not to ever bump or hear anything about us when we are together, this person wishes that somehow you would love her- not me, that tells you she's okay to her every bone regarding you and me, that treats you as limited as she could because she finally gives up the fact that she never has a chance with you, because you are in love with me. You know who would? Her, your best friend.

I'VE BEEN THERE, love. I've been there, exactly right at her position, in her shoes. I felt all this incessant fear of losing the best friend who I felt something more of once upon a time ago, I know exactly how she feels. I know this so well that it tears me apart merely acknowledging her denial. I know it puts her down every time, I know. The wound, it was indescribable. Sometimes love, I wish that somehow you actually have feelings towards her perhaps not as much as hers, but little would do. Even though I have no idea who she really is, deep down or out, I could swear I prayed no one would ever come close to my shoes not long ago.

She deserves you. Trust me love, it takes so much for me to type all of these, even to have some thoughts about these, to burn all of egos and insecurities and jealousy and anxiousness, it takes me so much. But I could not feign to be happy if I am indeed hurting a heart and soul that have loved you from the start. Love, I swear my feelings towards you are blossoming so beautifully that it hurts my chest to allow it fading. No, love no. I am not selfish, that's just not me. It's horrific enough to hurt one heart and now two. I could not do this love. And I am not saying I would be elated to see her with you, it cuts me, I swear. Perhaps love, all I need now is for you to tell me that everything's gonna be alright eventually. Well, you already did. Shoot me next time if I ever mention this guiltiness. Shoot me yourself. I love you. I do.

xx