I never loved him under conditions. Never. I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel. I love him without any obligated reasons, because I love him; because I just do. I figure, nothing's gonna change what's within me and what I feel inside my heart and I'm not gonna be ashamed of it because it is my feeling and it is as precious as any other human's feeling. I love him. I care for him and I have done anything I could ever done for someone I called my everything. I figure that it does not matter what he had done to me these couple of days and even before that, all of that, it does not matter how much pain I have to swallow, it does not matter. What matters now is his happiness. Not now only, his happiness has always been my priority. Now that I have known he might be happier without someone like me, I figure, this is (might be) a good thing. The previous post was just a matter of emotions, irrationally written down in this blog of mine. I have figured out even wiser. So yeah, anything, I would do anything for his happiness. Even if it means that it has to end. And I have to be left with absolutely nothing. While he, well is happy.

Lifeless and Sick.

I'm at my highest point of wonder right now. I'm  (perhaps not obviously but would soon be when I further explain of my circumstances) in my campus at Perak. And I am proudly admitting that I am the most lifeless teenager you would ever find in the entire world. So as the continuation to my point stated above (that I'm currently at my highest point of wonder) I would rather just sleep all day in bed, in my room, at my home, around the people that I belong to and to the places which never were familiar. I'm always perplexed when it comes to this. It was such a grandiose (somewhat lesser than that, I'm too ignorant of my vocab right now) moment at the very first moments of entering this place. I can remember how all the things were grown -never out of of proportion (maybe it did but so littlest that I could ever remember of), things were fine last semester. I got roommates that were close and crazy, they were perfect distractions of all the mixed emotions back then. I got no problems (this might be a lie, I got some but not too much of a some) and life was easy.

Now where all the good things go to this semester? I am lifeless. I am less than a human already, I always daydream and nothing seems to feel worthy anymore. ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS LONESOMENESS THAT I FEEL EVERY SINGLE NIGHT THAT HOMESICKNESS FEELING  THAT YOU FEEL EVERY SINGLE DAY ALL THE PAIN AND TEARS AND CURFEWS AND TESTS AND FUCKING MINDLESS KAMPUNG PEOPLE AND FATIQUE AND SACRIFICE AND LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AND ASSIGNMENTS AND MORNING CLASSES AND GOOD FUCKING RESULT THE FUCKING DEAN LIST RESULT AND FUCKING JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE CHANGES THE DISTANCE FROM THE PLACES THE PEOPLE I KNOW MY PARENTS MY HOME MY BROTHERS MY BOYFRIEND MY HAPPINESS. ALL GONE ALL FUCKING GONE ALL FUCKING GONE. Now I start to wonder whether all these motherfuckers are worth it or not. 

Now, everyone's life seems to be forever on cloud-9 especially those who deal with only some of those motherfuckers stated above. Lucky you people. Lucky you. You never have to deal with this for now, BUT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE FOR MORE YEARS TO COME AND CAN YOU IMAGINE MY SITUATION NOW? This is not where I belong even though I've grown comfortable with this place and the ignorance that I put in is increasing day by day because all I ever wanted to do here is study my ass off in order to gain a good future. Now, future. Back to future LOL WUT I don't even know whether my future is even existed though. None of you know. 

So my question is now, does it worth everything that I've gone through and will go through and will it ever be worth it?

Life's hard. Distance's cruel. And everything more. I hate complaining, really. I'd rather just go along with the flow and face everything wholeheartedly as if I don't have feelings or I can't feel anything. I am okay, I'm missing my mum, and this homesickness and sickness of this place and the people is killing me, not literally but close to that perhaps. Same old same old routine, oh I get bored everyday. I miss my mum, for I have been busy with the activities and classes here and I cannot wait for CNY. Here, I have to bear with a lot of things and nobody understands me and what I feel. I only feel so much urge to just keep it all in and sometimes (or all the  time) I would just burst out to my mum and my boyfriend. Them are loyal like that. Bright side is, Alhamdullillah I'm still breathing and I'm healthy even though the fatigue that I feel everyday is definitely indescribable. I am still grateful even after all the people that goes away, that forgets, I'm still here. God knows how all of you are precious.

xox