Hi.

Made something. Conceivably worthy.

http://athigah.tumblr.com/

Mehehehehehehehhehehe

xx

I read back my old blog yesterday, it begun on October 2008 and I somehow stopped on the June 2009. The posts there seemed to me like a journey; either way was a mix of great and mediocre or just down low moments. I missed how passionate I was about writing, my comfort was there all along in each of every post, I put my heart in all of them. Things written were inspiring like mad. And back then I opened up like a book like there was nothing I held up against anything. Carefree. I missed everything nowadays. How contented life was, how now I seem to forget of ways and things and jokes that would make me happy. I am happy but I feel as if something is missing, or am I the one who's missing out? I have not been productive at all cost. Since the wedding has been the only thing mattered (I mean it and not that I'm complaining) since months even before SPM, I got creeps of how useless I have been since then. Even I so am now. I do help a lot everyone assures that but I still do feel useless like I don't do things that I wanna do, that whim in heart tells me to do but I do not do because of the peculiar situation at the moment. I do think I'm making up reasons of not being happy wholly inside and out, I am making up reasons to crawl in bed, to sleep early because I don't feel like talking to anyone for I know I would spill beans or merely I would shut everything down and be all cheery- that happens almost all the time. I guess I am the one who's missing out of the world, of everyone. Because I couldn't care less anymore.

NOTE: This is what happens when you laugh so much even out of the stupidest things many nights in a row.

xx

More is more.

What more could human beings conceivably want than a someone who loves them with all her/his heart; a someone who sacrifices so much (not merely money or energy, but feelings); a someone who accepts them the way they are, that falls in love with them every time they have their eyes meet. Someone who wounds but stay silence if they ever hurt him/her for he/she cares too much of their feelings that his/her own feelings seem worthless compare to any of theirs. This someone cares so much of their happiness and does anything and everything just to make sure nobody could have even a slice of annoyance and hurt towards them. This person sacrifices much much way too much than anyone could ever do. A someone who trusts them, trusts their truth, trusts their lies, a someone who has faith in the both of you. A someone who loves you, the one who they hurt so much but this someone always stays. A someone who has so much care for them. Someone who loves them, despite everything they have done.

Seriously, what more?

xx

Don't mess with other people's feelings..

Have you ever acknowledge a certain someone or merely a stranger in your life; who have true feelings, and has been liking since forever the guy who is currently in your arms?

I'm eating out of guilt though I never know her personally. 

xx

♥

These people may not always there at all times but always there when you are in need. Those are the people who you have no doubts for; may you be down or happy, hyper or in distraught. Them who never seem to even let you go an inch away when you are certain they would. Them people who would dig deep to your deepest soul merely to find out what's wrong with you, they would know when you lie. Lie for the sake of them; of how you are doing. They listen to your every crap every time; tough luck on them whenever you are dealing with never-ending dramas though so littlest and simplest but you have to let them out for you know they would listen. Listen and make you feel whole lot better. They never fail. These people show that they care, anxious, and indeed take attention to whatever you say and feel. You can be all annoying around them, you are yourself and you are at your most comfortable with them as if you are at home with your family. Them are care of your feelings; them despise them people who make you cry, hurt you hard, annoy you and such. They share every single secrets and stories with you even the stupidest lame jokes they would know. They are the ones you call when you cry at night, them you spend most of your times with, them you laugh until you can't feel your throat right after; them you gossip with, them you talk about future, past and all its worth and so much more. They are there, if not they would come running just to save you from harm. These people respect you, respect your family, your opinions, your life. Them people get mad when other people try to mess with you, or look at you with certain ways. They protect you like you are their child. You are secured around them, you have nothing to worry about. These people once came in your life, and they are in to stay. These people stay with you through it all, through all your weaknesses, your annoyance, your behaviors, your everything. These people are the ones that you should stay with too.

Thank you Allah, for giving me them.

xx

One of those nights

I have had my fair share when it comes to love, relationships and such more. Who have not right? That would be such a miss. But now due to the fortuitous thinking I have been dealing with a few days ago, I shall divulge my thoughts in ways that perhaps in sparseness ones but most probably all in words I would assure.

I once heard that when you reach this one point of care for a particular person, a boy or a girl, then it is love. I also heard that when you fall in love with someone, you would just know. And all other theories of what I have heard which are so little. I become heedless for like I aforesaid I have had my fair share. Not at all ignorant but there's a point of that that perhaps I reached before you or whoever do. Done.

We all feel somehow, eventually that we are really in love with someone. I'm certain we all feel that at least one time in their lives. Like you know all the typical love and relationships stuffs, but have you ever come across wondering is that love? Is that really how we should feel when we fall in love?

Do enlighten me. As for me, from my experiences, the uncertainty comes by and it hits me hard. If I was in love, if I was really in love, I would not do anything that I did when I was with that certain someone. I would never purposely did that something when he treated me bad for just one day, I should have been patient, I should have been completely loyal. Back then I would say I attempted to be the best for him and such but now I come to realize I did not try anything at all. Screw everything else like the sacrifice, the wound, the times, the care, those were all so real. But with these real emotions going on that one time, those were just it all. Were those love?

Maybe, just maybe I never really fell..

xx

And there he goes,

" okay. first of all, u must delete all his memories. like anything that reminds u of him. then, u must stop looking back n regretting. u kene accept yang it happened and its part of life n now u knoe, u'll nt do the same mistake again. this also means, the next guy u'll fall in love with will be THE ONE, because u'll already be able to know it n u'll nt let the same mistakes happen again. dnt simpan vengeance, its nt healthy athirah "

You are a true unicorn. 




xx

I'm all about justice

Cruel. I find it simply oblivious that my mind actually wanders around it rather than any other words. No, cruel could not be in any way a mere word. It's something that I am dealing with right now. A human being at all form you are, you are the most cruel human I have ever known in my entire life. Your cruelty smashes me to the deep bottom of my heart and I just wish the walls in your room would just reflect my wound but that won't mean anything though for your cruelty is empowering any other. I find myself in a such slow pace and no more the pain creeps into my soul like the blood rushing in my veins but the bewilderment. And well, justice. Your cruelty had me at my most break downs way back when there was nothing and when it was not nothing, the same pattern again and again and when it came back at one, it stayed as same. How could you define yourself as a human being when you are cruel to not just humans but hearts? How could you sleep at night with your horrific cruelty indeed eating out of hearts? You crushed a heart, you pushed away kindness and compassion with your cruelty and I wonder how could you still living? Not that I ever wish you die or something. But really? Forgiveness is not a word, it's a realization. Perhaps the realization has not hit me too hard in the face, but I have not see it coming either. I don't blame you for your cruelty, and I may come across regretting all of that once worth but I am in my process. It goes by somehow. But really? How could you even live?

xx

Where does the time go?

Real intentions aside, I have gone obliviously astray. Inspire people, but I kept writing about my days and such which is quite a despondent matter. But you know, I'm improving. Heh. The issue that gets my focal lately as it never was one, is the Valentine's Day. Don't you think this one day, one day of all for God's sake days seems to be exaggerated these days? As if it's a big of a deal anyway. I came across this mini war I shall say about how single people are offended by the ones not, for they have the day of only them and their lovers; to indeed celebrating the day together. Repeat: OFFENDED    AYFKM!? Not in a million years will I admit I had not suck up the fact that I went through the February 14th on my own (one time when I thought V Day actually mattered)  but seriously, offended? How offensive that could be for hearts, I don't even know. I am in no way messing around with people's feelings or whatsoever. I merely land on this page to give a say or two. For Muslims mostly, for whatever pure intentions you may have; by celebrating this particular day, it's a crucial issue there you see. Does not it so obvious the purpose of Valentine's Day? Does it? But come on guys. We do have better things to be anxious about rather than being alone on that day. So suck it up, all you singles! 

xx

More than words and actions.

The police's gun in my hand, on your head.

Come on, everyone has their past. Whether it's a decent one, the fucked up one or seriously whatsoever that you may define. Past is indeed past doesn't it? My point is now, I don't get it why some people can't seem to get over my past. As if I was the only one who has had that kind of past as they might think of through the days of their mediocre lifeless lives. Trust me with this, I am way far over my past. (note: the past is regarding this particular time of the past, not completely my whole past, just  this one small time) In fact, I love my past for it was the one whole journey that made me who I am today. It startled me of how some people just could not shut the fuck up about what had happened for almost 4 years from now. You were someone from my past, you were in it. So you think you have the absolute mighty to blab about it everywhere you go? No you don't. My past was something that I would never wish for any other humans to deal with because no I don't think anyone could get through it and be sane again. I am no underestimating, but being blunt anyway. My past was no perfection. My past was something I am thankful for today, that something I have learnt so much things from and it made me certainly who I am beneath and deep within right this moment. You see, I am not the only one who screwed up,  I admit I screwed big time for trusting big once upon a time ago but I only screwed a tiny bit part of my life back then. And what you talked about were micro little shits of my past; I definitely have better stories than what you have ever known. Fuck I ain't proving myself to you. You knew so littlest, dear. And say, your knowledge of my life stayed right there (of the littlest shits) for you don't deserve anything from it. I embrace my past, and with you seemingly urging to make spread of it seems ludicrous. Yea, I get your intention, to embarrass, to have some laughs. Ah, Allah will pay. I'm breathing. You see, I am proud of the past I had. I am proud that I fell and got up on my own. I am proud to leave that particular time in the past behind that contained all of you inhuman people. I am proud. I have achieved and accomplished so much than all of you did and that is one thing that I am very proud of until now. We have our own lives, don't we? Please just leave my past already, it's not yours. Upgrade your sense a bit. Could you? I say, the past shall stay past. It's better off. And remember, what about your past, mf?

With love, 

xx

I hope there's forgiveness, in the distance between us.

xx

Stay with me,

The picture up there may speak of its own. I just miss it all, the pain creeps into my soul at its best every time it hits. There's no rarity about this, this is merely how I feel. Anyhow, I met the girls yesterday for breakfast though waiting isn't in any way my thing, I indeed waited for them. Suhaida bailed for she got something going on. You know, that sense of longing to meet abruptly faded when we were in front of each other's eyes. Stories were told, I came clean with the break up (Liyana didn't know), and I got an A+ for succeeding the story telling until the end. A to Z; done. That was normal. To them everything flows like a river, all was told. I somehow relieved that we all embrace the reality that isn't going to be all sweet and sugar-coated. We embrace if there's perhaps no chance to proceed this pure friendship in the future, we embrace facts though we never know. What we know, is we have each other now. Amirah is doing great with the work at Petrosains, Liyana is unemployed just like me (we made some promises though) and Suhaida is busy with baby sitting schedule. They are pretty much happy, though boredom strikes at times, that's a total comprehend. Two years of high school; 2009 and 2010, we've gone through everything together. And we pray for more years to come. Amin.

Yesterday was long. I spent all day at Setiawangsa. Morning to night. After the breakfast I went to Liyana's house for some more times. We were in somnolence but we managed that with laughter and some crap talking and future ones. I met my best friend too and others that evening. Later then to a friend's house. Something got in the way, I killed the girl. AYFKM moment one-oh-one. The most killing part was me and Nabil didn't even sense his presence. That's totally avoidable for next time if there ever will be. Hope not. Dinner by right at Wangsa Walk with family. One hell of a day. Conclusion; I don't know what tired is. Right.

Anyways, on the 6th I went to Wangsa Walk with Abang Don and Feeqo with Rahimi. I got inspired somehow throughout the day. Especially the part where story telling came along about the recent stuffs mostly about the uhm you know. So Feeqo was helpful to the point where I could just slap his face. Okay joke. What he said was true, I gotta admit. And I'm still attempting to make sense of everything though at first I got stuck. Lalalalai thank you, really. Today is supposedly be another long day but it isn't. Ya know, somehow, I learn what tired is. HIHI. Okay,

xx

Your hand in mine,

I'm clueless. Is it ego? Is it giving up? Is it just I'm so broken I can nearly die? I don't know, frankly. But I feel wrong. Wrong to the core of my being. I have played my part on the stage of your play, I could barely act anymore. I acted, or I simply portraying myself? This is getting worst than I thought it'd be. Like one down, everything else follows. Damn this, I'm perplexed. Attempting isn't fun anymore, it bores the shit out of me. This kills me; that's why I don't like telling people -I despise for the only tangible thing is hurt. Not that it's such a thing at first. Gedamn I don't know how the hell the idea of that came across my mind these few days, like I caught a glimpse of such light to trust again. Ya dig? Shall be blunt. I think what I typed were crap. I suck at letting feelings out in pouring words. Apologies. Later.

xx

uoy

The moment I put this blog's link somewhere in my FB account and Twitter, I thought no one would bother to even click at it, to actually reading it (that's too far of a thought I didn't reach it). Naw not. My pure intentions are just to write, write what matters and whoever comes across this blog would be inspired (that's a wish), that somehow I would have a place of some words. And just suddenly when those thoughts were still, as I saw the visits down there, I was exhilarated, that's no joke. To you who indeed reading with whatever intentions you may have; stalking, sincere, accidentally found this, love reading, knows me, just for fun, just to have some laugh at my so-so English, or seriously whatever, I shall give gratitude. Keep the visits up. HEHE.

xx

Tears of Happiness

Days in Perlis are coming to an end. Which is sad? Indeed it is. Friday night was my brother's moment, the night that was both great and nerve wrecking. But alhamdulillah everything went well though there were some challenges that we have to go through. We have each other, that matters when nothing does. My sister (I love typing that) looked gorgeous as always, relatives were \m/. The journey to my sister's house and the mosque; precious. Fer sho a sweet memory to be kept. Me and my third brother, Asyraf sang and screamed our hearts out to songs on Red FM. Hehe. The only radio station available for God's sake, we could come close to some Thailand's radio station in any time. Rocketeer's totally our song. Asyraf drove Hafiz's car (the one who's married) with me. There were approximately 20 cars, relatives (there were some bailing because of work), Hafiz's friends (his childhood friends were there too, made everything completed). They stayed in homestays we provided. Even grandiose than our place. For them we will. LOL. So anyways, the night ended, the "nikah" ceremony- emotional. Me and Mumy attempted to hold it together, we err got astray.

So today was the reception. Hectic for I was late. My contact lens dropped so I ended up wearing glasses. Nice one. Overall, everything went so well. My brother is happy, my sister is happy. We all are happy. Cannot wait for reception on 26th in KL. I miss KL, speaking of which. I really do. I miss my room. I miss my friends. Probably going back to KL tomorrow morning. So later? Here's some pictures anyway!

xx

ASDFADSF

Realization hits. It's never the same.


OH THANK YOU



*clap

Remember Me

I once had a best boy friend. At least I defined us as that. Though our friendship sometimes got misunderstood by people because we were so close. We did text messaging as often as we could, many nights we went on the phone for hours, at school we were side by side all the time. He always protected me everywhere I went if he was there too. He made sure I was fine when he knew something was bothering the hell out of me, he cured me with jokes and confirming me that everything was going to be alright. He was my comfort, we went through 2010 together. Though he got a girlfriend, that was not a big issue at all. He shared his secrets with me, I shared mine. He was one of the reasons I got through my issues that may be so ludicrous to be thought now. He comprehended when no one did. Our relationship was so easy like it was meant. He helped me went through so many shits, he was always there, there right beside me. I remember, that night when we recalled back the year we started high school; he was my very first crush- we laughed all night about it. I remember the way he would just listen and comfort. I remember every single thing. But I did something to him, something way unacceptable. I kept my relationship from him far too long than what I planned. No, it was no easy thing, we did it for the sake of his feelings. I admit I was blind, I was too far down in love lane, I could barely believe of why I did that to him. Words cannot describe. I had done so much to him that I don't know if I apologize, it would be forgiven. I sinned. I was a horrible friend. But I never forget him. I still cherish us, every memory- when we performed together, when we sang together. I am now too unacceptable to be in his life anymore. Apologies won't do but at least, I attempted. What I did was way horrific. I had hurt my closest friend, I hurt him deep enough. Well, perhaps who knows, he might find a room of forgiveness to have me back in his life. I'm praying hard. Whenever he is now, I'm sure he'll be fine. Heard he works now somewhere. All I want is for him to be happy. This heart and mind will never be able to forget him. I know this is far way too late. But..

I miss you, Boo. Really do.

xx

Where you?

Happy Chinese New Year :] I'd say the fireworks here in my brother's neighborhood were bloody awesome, I only heard; was too lazy to go out and witness. Today was great, another well spent day. Oh I ate ABC for the first time too! Lame, I know. Me and my brother spoke British which was phenomenal, taught him a bit and what came out were "bloody hell" and much more. It was insane, we were. Approaching his wedding this Friday, Mumy's busy with the "hantaran" and others were helpful but frankly it hasn't hit just yet. But we know it's coming, the all-in-one feelings will come. This is overwhelming, really. Our first brother is going to get married soon, but we could still be all crazy, sleep late playing video games or cards,  talk non-stop and laugh till our throats hurt and more; we are still we. Perhaps the changes that we fear the most would come but as for now, everything is still where it should be. His future wife is just as same, such crazy head and fun. We welcomed her years ago, and we pray for the best of our future as a family. We love you guys too much.

Anyways, I cut my upper left foot just now. About 2 inches+, I guess? Damn it hurts like asdfasdf -.- Surely leaving scar, one hell of a long one. RIGHTT! Fuuu anyhow I came across something about a few hours back and it kind of killing. I should not feel a thing, in any way at all but aaaaaaa I don't deny feelings. I'm just.... jealous?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

xx

Are you game?

That thing up there deserves an awfsome from me. Shall we?

xx

Breathing February

If only Skittles were some sort of a medicine, I'd die by now. Such an addiction, pure satisfaction I tell you. Anyhow, February came like a new year which is bewildering. January held so many lessons that holding in is imperceptibly bothering. I did not begin with anything for the last of a new year, resolutions may be same old, same old because I thought I had everything in order, I thought I had settled down that the only thing I deserved was happiness. Those stayed in thoughts, at least. I am brand new, I could feel it caressing my skin like gentle breeze, I breathe it deep. I may have wounded so much in January, I hope and pray no one gets to my shoes because it was simply destructive. To have to go through what I have gone through, where sacrifice went in vain, and when it did hit you'd feel all but nothing more murdering than hopeless. It took me mere days because it became like a routine every time it happened. Routine. Har Har.  It does sound so common. Common is boring. Let's shake things up, leave your past behind you (but never hesitate to look back just for a moment), start new, start fresh. Open your mind, heart to much more possibilities in life because there are just too many. Abandon those worries and wounds of memories that throb your heart open. Have faith and live life. We're too blessed to be all in gloom, pray harder and never give up on Allah. Allah has plans for us, embrace them tighter. Acceptance. I find acceptance is hard for everyone. Which makes it a hidden source of everything more than we ever know. Learn. Learn to learn every single day. You won't wanna miss how amazing learning is. Above all, we're only human. Don't we?

xx