Cold December

Have you ever felt like you deserve to be in pain? Have you ever felt like you deserve everything bad in the whole world, and that you deserve to be blamed for everything and that you never deserved to be happy at all? Reasons are all awaken in front of my eyes, and I am even more willing now than ever. I deserve everything that is happening to me, and I never ever feel so willingly in acceptance. I believed that I deserved happiness and all the fine things in life but no I don't deserve them all. I deserve to be left alone and lonely and cold and with no mercy. I deserve that. It might sound so undeniably insane but I know what I have done to my loved ones therefore I have no reasons to be so unwilling. Allah is always fair and here I am being absolutely fair back to whatever that I have done.

We were all fine especially when he surprised me a few days back and his thoughtfulness that brought me in back. But something happened and I am guilty. I am the one who lied. And how he accepted me, after the lie I put he into believing after months, he still tried his best to calm me down and tell that he does not even care. Well I know how much I hurt him, especially when it made him feel so worthless and not special. Can you believe that's all he ever cares about? He does not care about the lie, he only cares that he feels not special. Allah bless him. Allah please do. My stated reasons are not enough to make him come back, I am only human, a more of a fucked up human being. I don't deserve his love. And that's the truest fact.

I know I deserve it but it still hurts, knowing that he needs time to heal and it still isn't fair seeing him doing things that hurt me. Even though I deserve it, it still hurts. Roughly. I need to be deserving. I need to act like I'm not hurt; pretending as soon I will pass and everything will be perfect. I need a break from everything. December so far, is perplexing; between happiness and pain. I sound so dramatic in all of my writings. I guess I merely need a break from myself. 

Be happy, everyone. 

Be happy.

Be happy and find yourself back. Enjoy through your days without me, gain your strength slowly and soon the memories will be alright to be laughed at. I need to know that you are happy and content so I can try to be happy for whatever reason that makes you smile and laugh. I need you to gather all your passions back in your hands, and grab em wholeheartedly and never let go, your passions are too beautiful to be lost and I won't let you away from them anymore. Seek happiness with the people around you, I want to see "I had fun today :)" I want to see that. I want you to have your life back. Put away all the memories of us if they ever make you feel sick and disgust. Reminisce them if I ever cross your mind but most of all, be happy. Do every single thing you want to do, be friends with whoever you want, go out and have fun, start playing your Schecter and start making new songs for your future band. Learn to play drum and piano. I want to see you happy. I want to know that the holes in you are fulfilled. Travel when you get the chance and most of all, most of all, be happy. Because that's the only way I know I could ever survive.

December.

Where in the world would I find you back, you in crazy heartbeats, you barely breathing; blown away by the sight of me, you and your wide eyes coming near me, wanting to embrace me with all your heart, those mesmerizing eyes that long for my stares, those wounds that cut you more when we finally meet because distance isn't being fair for both of us. Where would I find you back, love? You, who get excited every time a text or phone call received from me. You and your loving voice, trying hard to tell the hurtful things that happen throughout your day- try to speak so softly afraid I might cry in tears or cut my heart deep because you know those things must hurt me deep. You and your comforting words, try to cheer me up after a really stressful day. You and your ways of treating me. Where would I find you, love? You have gone farther than the distance between us. I'm here, bearing the pain and tears all by myself everyday, every night. Perhaps, denial has caved in and I'm the one who has been ignorant. But you, you merely.. left.