Have you ever felt like you deserve to be in pain? Have you ever felt like you deserve everything bad in the whole world, and that you deserve to be blamed for everything and that you never deserved to be happy at all? Reasons are all awaken in front of my eyes, and I am even more willing now than ever. I deserve everything that is happening to me, and I never ever feel so willingly in acceptance. I believed that I deserved happiness and all the fine things in life but no I don't deserve them all. I deserve to be left alone and lonely and cold and with no mercy. I deserve that. It might sound so undeniably insane but I know what I have done to my loved ones therefore I have no reasons to be so unwilling. Allah is always fair and here I am being absolutely fair back to whatever that I have done.
We were all fine especially when he surprised me a few days back and his thoughtfulness that brought me in back. But something happened and I am guilty. I am the one who lied. And how he accepted me, after the lie I put he into believing after months, he still tried his best to calm me down and tell that he does not even care. Well I know how much I hurt him, especially when it made him feel so worthless and not special. Can you believe that's all he ever cares about? He does not care about the lie, he only cares that he feels not special. Allah bless him. Allah please do. My stated reasons are not enough to make him come back, I am only human, a more of a fucked up human being. I don't deserve his love. And that's the truest fact.
I know I deserve it but it still hurts, knowing that he needs time to heal and it still isn't fair seeing him doing things that hurt me. Even though I deserve it, it still hurts. Roughly. I need to be deserving. I need to act like I'm not hurt; pretending as soon I will pass and everything will be perfect. I need a break from everything. December so far, is perplexing; between happiness and pain. I sound so dramatic in all of my writings. I guess I merely need a break from myself.
Be happy, everyone.
