One.

"Tired of being strong"

I cried on his shoulder last night. My greatest fear awaits me in a few days and he was there, a shoulder, loyal ears, a comfort, because one; I cannot bear it all on my own (at least, not anymore), two; I am approaching that sense of tiredness after being strong for too long (in my book), three; he knows exactly why. I kept on bursting into tears with rage and anger came along with surrender and willingness- I overcame my tears at last but still sobbing later when I realized how he has been there for me countless times even before this time but this time wasn't easy. Not that the other times were, at least they were better than this one. He's someone that I can just shit it all in front of him and he would still see my beauty. Ya Allah, I guess I am that lucky. I don't know what to say regarding my circumstance right now but it is really not something I would like to tell anyone. It's perplexing and messing with my head and heart I could not even think. Being strong doesn't seem necessary anymore when you have someone who keeps on giving you strength. Thank you, Amir Afiq. You're the best.

xox

Hello.

Can you like believe it, that I actually have a few more days until the end of this amazing holiday? Can you like.. I cannot. I don't even have any firm grip on the mighty fact at all, it's so close now it seems.. not enough. I know this sounds so ludicrous because the holiday is indeed longer than enough, I did so many things, I enjoyed myself to the fullest but I'm just not ready to go through the separation, again. This time it'd be harder, I could feel it. But seriously bad thoughts could just stay away from my wild mind for awhile, Imma deal with this stronger than the last time. Insya Allah.

Gone.

I wanna see him. I swear I do. I wanna see his face, I wanna see his smile, I wanna listen to his voice, talking about life, staring deep into my eyes, not expecting me to comprehend at all of all of his comforting words because he wants to keep talking, he wants me to know. But most of all, I wanna see him, different than how he was the last time I saw him. I wanna see "friendship" in his eyes, not "love". I wanna see how he has moved on throughout the days since we have been apart, I wanna see "happiness" all over his face and his smile, the genuine ones that would lighten my guilt towards him. Because the last time that I saw him, the look on his face, was not something my memory could live in for a longer time than it already is. The look on his face, that forced smile, just to make sure I could not ever read anything; he was so good with it, he thought he could fool me, but the words that he sent me, I know deep down, were all the truth ever spoken. He seemed so cool in front of me, and only God knew how he felt that time, that whole time I talked about my love life, my happiness, the new guy. I missed him, that cannot be denied, missed him as someone that I looked up to, as a brother. And hopefully, he missed me too. As someone else, not as the one that he once in love with.

xox

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah. Nothing beats my happiness right now, and what's better about it is, I have people to share with my boundless joy and happiness. My family, my love, my close friends. Surely, I got what I wanted. I think I make my parents proud, after all that I've put them through, after all the disappointment now I could finally redeem it all, all for them. My brothers are my strength. Surely, I think I manage to get them smiling non-stop for their forever little sister's result. Because as for such, even though it's not even a 4 flat or what not, they'd still be proud, for they know my ability. And I am grateful for having such understanding family. They know this is exactly what I always wanted. And I got it.

Alhamdulillah.

I have my companion, to share with this happiness, too. He got way up high than me, 3.67, while I only got 3.52. 0.15 apart. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. And my bros aka classmates aka bestfriends. Ika got DL, too. Now only waiting for Zati to check, I bet she also gets DL. How awesome :) What I can say now is, all hard work is somewhat paid. Congratulations, everyone. Let us all be grateful. 

xox

A little bit of truth.

I swear what she said were true enough to be put down in words. True enough- it still holds my breath, suffocating me like my head is strangled around a rope, a gruesomely tight rope, aching all over again on the scars that causes me such pain, it brings me down in the memory lane when that day happened; it was such a beautifully wounded misery (that day) and it still drags. It still drags and echos and replays keep on going through my mind again and again and again and again and again and again, with just the mention or a sight of her name. 

She must have been proud, that her memory of you, haunts me. 

She must have been happy, seeing you, slowly giving up on me. She must have been impatient, just to tell you "I've told you". She must have been.

Most probably I have been in denial, all along. Denial is sweet, like revenge, but revenge gives so much satisfaction that allows you to indeed letting it all go, after it is reached. But denial is merely pain. A good pain I shall say. Denial brings you strength sometimes to go through the days, of sorrows rather than laughter; it makes you feel a little more better when in fact denial is nothing but a lie. A whispered lie through your little evil thought, that denies everything horrific that you want to feel better about. I hate denial. Though denial did good stuffs on me, such as forgetting the reality. Reality is painful no matter how you want to make it sounds good or maybe a little closer to good, but reality is. It's just is.

She, the reason of all my fears and pain and sorrow and most importantly avenge. She must get what she deserves. If holding grudges is a bad thing, let's recalled what she had done. She destroyed me. And all that's left in me, is mere revenge.

See you in hell, whore.

xox