Die

She's everything that I am not.

i) She supports the same team for football as you, which makes her your new partner to watch football and can talk all the time about the players as watching the match. Which I'm absolutely not cause I support other team and does not know much about football or the players' names.

ii) She drives, which you always want me to actually do, which I am very limited of.

iii) She wears braces, like you, which brings me down to level 190 since my teeth are gruesomely horrific.

iv) She can always hang out at night time, which you like, which I can but not so often.

v) She listens and knows so much about the bands that you miraculously like too, which makes your compatibility to level 100, which I am too but so littlest.

Can't you see?

To the fact that she has been spending so much time with you, kills every part of my system, every cell and every memory veins and my heart beats would just go off for a moment.

To the fact that she always sends you home these couple of days kills me.

To the fact that you are so close to her now kills me.

To the fact that you guys are going to A7X concert tonight together (eventho with some friends) kills my system.

To the fact that you might see her everyday (eventho with some friends) kills my heart.

To the fact that she spends one night watching you and your friends jamming kills me so cruelly.

To the fact that you just know her, most prolly for a month now, and grow closer just like that, fucking kills me.

To the fact that she hung out in your house (one time with your friend) like nobody's business, fucking kills me so hard.

To the fact that she seems to know you so well, fucking kills me.

To the fact that you like people who are kind hearted towards you, fucking chokes me to death.

To the fact that she can replace me and be a much better someone to you, fucking smacks my face.

To the fact that you and her might find the feelings are mutual, that you like to spend more time with each other fucking hurts me.

To the fact that you might like her presence more than mine.

To the fact that I die by the time you realize all of these.

To the fact that I'm dying and I could not sleep, thinking about all these shits.

To the fact that you will have fun with her tonight at A7X concert.

To the fact that she's everything I'm not.

To the fact that she makes your life easier but I'm simply making your life harder and worst.

To the fact that she might secretly fall for you and dying to see you everyday.

To the fact that you guys can share everything ever so easily.

To the fact that you still are the one for me.

To the fact that I'm just waiting for the worst.

To the fact that I can't do anything about it.

Helpless, as always.

Life is fair, yes no?

Listen, I don't know about you, but for me, a person acts upon certain things in that certain ways that they are for a reason. It is just absurd, for someone (a human) to act just because. You know why? Because those things made them who they are. Those events that may come out as a mystery that nobody knows about may be the mother of all reason for what they are now, or how they act upon certain things. 

Friends, clearly, you don't know my story.

You don't. And how sad it is that the person that I thought knows so well about my being and how I have been hurt before could come out as a shield that protects me from other's judgement towards my every action came out as a threaten that choked me up like a tight rope strangled around my neck, choked me to the death of existence and happiness. I don't care about what they say, it's what you think and know about me that disappoint me. Well. Life, how much more sad it could be. 

I think you have forgotten. Forgotten all the ways that you have loved me before, all the feelings that you once felt towards me, all the sacrifice and tears I have shed for you just because you finally reach that time of your life (which I clearly understand so well). You grow closer to people and you grow apart from me. Isn't it saddening? It is. It can drive me insane, even. 

You know what's the worst part of it all? I cannot feel anything. I merely feel like I want the world to stop and miracle happens that he could fall in love with me again. I screw up I know. But he does not know how hurt I am to see how often and how close he sees his new friends (and a girl), even much more than me. It's not about dissatisfaction or whatnots, but he must understand how I need time to take it all in. That changes happen between us, that I cannot prevent. That I feel so helpless about, even how many times I have tried. 

I am helpless. Always helpless. I merely want to save us. Because I don't want to go that far (with him) with another guy in my life. No more. I won't. He's the last and if I cannot keep him and bear this pain, I would have left for real long before. But instead I stay. And I will never give up even how many times I know I should.

374

Alhamdulillah. Hard works (those lonely nights and boredom, those tears and pain and hot weather and long walks and annoying people and homesickness and tiredness and hatred and tantrums and fights and dissatisfaction and for all the fun that I have missed during my process of hard works and everything in a 3 digits of number which is 3.74) are paid off, and prayers are answered. I hope I make my parents and brothers proud. I hope my friends are proud of me too. I hope Allah will keep giving me strength to pull through. But I just wish I still have you (like who you were last semester) with me, to share this joyous outcome. I miss you, the old you.

My feelings are temporary but some of them could stay in a really long time. It's like they're unfinished and could come back in any time. I hate that. I despise that even. Perhaps I really should take the advice that have been given to me. "How are you supposed to get over him if you see him everyday, wanting everything more?" Wise words. But the thing is, I'm doing my part, he clearly stated that we should not see each other as often as before, and I get that (come on girls, guys who say that to your face, clearly does not love you anymore like you love him) It's the most selfish thing ever for a human being could do since he knows exactly what I want to do. All the plans is made for us two, he knows yet he still grabs his decision firmly without taking a second of what I would feel towards that.

I'm getting better, but I'm still surprised of how far he's going now. From who he was. You know what would make me go insane right this second? Going back looking through my favorite tweets. OH MAI GOD you cannot imagine how different he was, like he's now is just some guy who I know so well and who I'm forever comfortable with. That's all. But I cannot fight the urge to spend time with him because he's the only thing I know that is real. 

I don't know why is it so hard to comprehend the fact that we have discussed this shit how many times already. Thing is, I'M A PART OF HIS FRIENDS and the hell I don't understand is that I can definitely meet him everyday just how he meets his friends. Fair enough? Kenapa dengan kawan boleh lepak hari hari? I'm your friend also right? I DONT GET THIS SHIT AND I WILL NEVER. 

Settle down

I am watching Blue Valentine right now as I type this I actually paused the movie for awhile because it hits me just how it would feel like for me to actually settle down. I mean I always wanted to settle down, to have kids blablabla. You know, I bet all of us girls had some names they already created for their future kids. Come back to think of it, it's such a nice thought, having it (the idea of settle down) ever so securely, you know what I mean? Like, you already have someone who wants to settle down with you. I know I'm 19, I know, but I don't care. I like feeling safe, I'm reckless but somehow, the security is somewhat mesmerizing. It's good to have something steady for a long period of time, and keep on having it so securely. I want it. I want it bad. It's like I don't know. Get me?

So yesterday, I helped a friend out, giving advice thoroughly regarding relationship. Hahahah I know sounds so ludicrous. I mean come on, look to me, I mean look really closely. I'm broken, man. My relationship alone is such a mess, yet I could still give excellent advice to people in need. I don't get myself, really. Not to brat, but really I have always been a great listener towards friends' love stories. I helped and listened a lot. But then, fuck it. Why can't I take them advice that I have given and really, just implement it in my life? My love life? Damn man. Why is this so hard? Ugh. He even told me that I'm so matured regarding what the hell that we discussed about then. GOSH WHY JUST WHY. I'm so mad at myself. I guess I'm meant to be alone? I don't know. Please let me be a great great counselor la, I'm so sick of my problems already. Let me fix your heart, dear broken hearts out there. Just let me so.

25 APRIL 2011

18 APRIL 2012

I love em both and I'm keeping em, forever. 

Let me put it this way. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I put so much of me in our relationship or I put so much faith or is it just that I'm so used with him that it makes me feel so bad when I don't get to see him? I don't know man. I know this isn't the exact direction that we agreed to, like I don't know man. Fck this shit. I mean pardon me. I mean I'm happy every time I spend my time with him, like we seriously did fun stuffs that are so not a waste of time (for me) and we both know what we both have in mind. I don't mind, I get it. But how can I not be feeling anything when I catch him stating that he's single now? I mean fck that man, he is. It's me. I want him. I want him to be something more than a someone. I want the old him so bad. I wish I can make him madly in love with me like how he used to. I can't accept this change yet cause it is so tragically occured in my life, it's not that I don't know but I don't expect him to be so.. you know. Fck changes, really. Ugh. It's true what my friend told me, it's hard to go on with no labels because somehow it sucks when the thing is not secured.

Fck my feelings, really.

Now I spend my holiday, beautifully arranged and balanced between my friends and family. I like that fact a lot. I searched for jobs, and I know I want to work but somehow I have that shitty gloomy feeling and so much reluctant in me that prevented me from willingly searched for the job. Thing is, it's like something real big or something real shitty is going to happen to me while I work. Fck that, doesn't it. It's like, it's stopping me from furthering what I wanna do. And God knows how weird it feels, like I want it, but I can't. Cause I already feel like something is gonna happen, which I won't like that much. Which is shitty and bad and it's gonna throb my heart apart. I don't think I swear. I just feel it.

I'm fine. I just need a glass of water.

Don't you remember our long distance together? We hated it. It was so tough that we went through hell, missed you like crazy. It was tougher for you in the first semester, I was there for you. I listened to you, I tried to cheer you up and I never, never abandoned you. We were madly in love and never put our phones away from each other, found any way to communicate with each other, sent each other pictures, midnight phone calls, I woke you up, you woke me up, all the little things. When we finally met each other, on holidays, it was beautiful. We really spent time since distance always awaited, we feared distance. It brought us stronger somehow yet weaker along the way. Remember everything we had? Remember all the tough times? Every time we were far, it was hard. Now that we are so close with each other, why is this happening right now? We are supposed to meet, supposed to see each other because I still fear of distance. I love to be around you. Did you forget that? Did you forget everything we went through, especially our long distance that was once the toughest but we got through it. I can't afford to regret my holiday later when the semester starts, I need to see you, to hold your hand, and laugh with you. Because I know next time, I won't get that. Have you thought about it? I look forward to this holiday for it is long and I only spent time with you for so littlest. I don't wanna regret this later. Approaching the 14 days which marks the third week on the way. 

You don't wanna regret this, too.

Love fades.

He was beautiful. His eyes, his lips, his jaw, his nose, his eyebrows, his hair, his shoulders, his voice, his talents and flaws, his jokes, his expressions. It has been a year and he still is beautiful to me. 

Feelings change.

I looked forward to see him every single day of my life. I loved to be around him, it felt so safe and happy. It has been a year and he's the one I look forward to, everyday.

I swear I cannot take the fact that time spoiled everything. Time, you should give this shot for me. Why are you so cruel? How can you turn things around when the time is not right for you, but it is right for me? Time, why are you so selfish? I need more time, Time. You've given me enough but I need more. Time, he's all I want, why don't you give me some more times to be happy? Time, why do you have to be like Distance? No, Distance has broken my heart, has disappointed me so many time, now Time, why Time? 

I had a year of happiness (with ups and downs for sure) but here is it Time, I'm breaking it down for you, I was happy Time, I remember all the Time that you've given me, I remember all the Time that I have spent, each of em with him. Time, you can't do this now. It's hard to take in, I have to swallow this again, Time no. Just no. 

Time, please. I'm still in love.