Take me away.

Somehow we all are vaguely aware of these little times we may have until everything changes in a trice. High school closed its curtains long ago, that was something bearable, at least until now. Coming up to school and indeed breathing in and out of the cool breeze once healed every morning of every day; the perplexed morning consisted of victory probable or despondent matter messed each heads of SPM 2010 candidates thoroughly. Those also have passed. Results were seen and heard by many but no tears and regrets were mentioned, at least not out loud.

I was crushed. It was worst than anything I've ever felt to be true. You know, to know your ability so much and how much efforts you have poured out for it but at the end of the road, you got em losing anyway. Well at least I got that many As, an 1A for 1119(GCE-0), that English Cambridge little thing down there on the bottom of the slip, a B for my baby Chemistry. What went wrong is how absurd it was to be accepted, the As I got are lesser than the oh-so-harder-than-SPM TRIAL. Fuck all bullshits about once you did great in Trial, SPM you'll do better. Oyeah. Better for Add Maths at least. It's hard you know, seeing them people scored that great. But somehow, I do believe things happen for reasons. Until then, may I find the reasons. Insya-Allah.

Anyway, it's already the end of March. And I am freaking out. Months have always been essential for me, them are something to go through, like endings. If it's fated then, foundation studies are in on May. May as in two months left. Am I prepared, are we all prepared, I can't say much. It's nothing to be reached out yet, I have absolutely no idea when will I be prepared for entering University. College life. I have it in me that excitement, than joviality to experience some more, to go back to studying I have missed so much yeah and all that, but I don't have it me to picture myself being sent abroad or far to study, far from home, from mum and dad, from siblings, from friends, from the places you once knew and spent so much time at. Pardon me, but it is hard. Even to revolve my mind thinking of any possibilities is hard enough. These undoubtedly anxiousness and fears are taking me at a very slow pace down under, even going to the expo for myself seemed to be awkward. All this while, I went there for my brothers, but today I went there for me, for my future. Overwhelming might be the exact correct word and feeling at this very moment.

Whatever it is, you just gotta have faith and put a little trust in you that you could make it through. Till then.

xx

You scratched my trust a little. And now I wonder what we have shared, were those real? Or those were merely my side of our story? I cannot talk to you anymore. Pardon me.

A denial.

I want you to let me in. I want you to tell me all your stories, your opinions, your past, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your dislikes, your family; everything. Text me at nights when you cannot stand the fact that you miss me, call me up, have hours conversations with me. I want you to take me out for romantic dinners; because I know you would. I want you to admit your feelings towards me and make me shut up by the way you express em all. I want you to let it all go, tell me you miss me, tell me tell me everything, tell me you're jealous when you see me with other guys or just listen to my day when I go out with some guys. Tell me you want to be with me. Tell me you want to be the one to protect me. Tell me you're happy with me and that I make you smile like a mad person every time you recall our times together. Tell me you care so much about me that you cannot have nothing with me. Tell me you miss our days. Tell me you miss watching movies with me, tell me you miss my presence, tell me you cannot stand not having to talk to me even for a day. Tell me you cannot stay away from me. Tell me your feelings to me are so real you cannot ignore em at all. Tell me you think of me everyday, every night before you go to sleep, tell me you think of me when you're out with your friends. Tell me you wish you can hold my hand a bit longer, tell me you want me to stay by your side, tell me you want to spend times with me. Tell me you wish we could be together, tell me you cannot stand denying anymore. Tell me.

I wish all of these sometimes, but I don't deserve anything. I'm scared. I don't know. Please don't tell me all of these, at all if you do feel something. I can't take it. I won't. I would pretend that I don't feel the same if ever you told me that you have feelings for me. You're not stupid, you would know I lie big time if I ever said no. But you have to trust it anyway, you'd be all but hurt.  I cannot afford to lose you. I have promised myself to never lose you like others. We would act like nothing ever happens but we are dying inside. I have incessant fears to fall, I can't. Please understand my fears. Don't. Just please. Therefore I shall continue this denial. Wish me luck.

xx

Have faith.

I would've been lying if I wrote on about how stoked I was to blog. Well, I was but it died soon as my ideas bailed on me, yea indeed they did. I received a text from my close friend right after I signed in. And the text overwhelms me I might start crying. It's really not about the text though or whatever words she typed but how she poured out her heart because she knew we are changing, we might grow way apart from each other but she still wanted me to know that she still has faith in our friendship.

This close friend, she was the one who stayed with me throughout my last two years in high school and stayed though knew so much of me, my flaws, my immaturities, my behaviors, my past, my madness and so forth. She was my classmate, my desk mate and we shared just too much. We never fought, ever. There was never a single jealousy in our friendship- I think that was the first I found a close girlfriend who was on the same page as me regarding this thing called mother fucking jealousy. (p/s: I still don't get girls who are envious of their own friends, because clearly, those people don't have any idea what friendship is or even close to it which is such an infelicity. Grow bitches!) We went through all day every day together and I swear, I swear she is far way anxious than I am, she begins to sense the change, I assume.

Not that I'm not anxious, I do. But we cannot expect things to go as what it used to be. We have to embrace changes. Frankly, there's nothing else we can do about it. The circumstance might alter but my feelings, our memories, our joys, our times, our tears, our talks, our fun, our happiness, our friendship are permanent. Trust me, no one can beat my memory. I could still remember every single person that I hung out with, the topics, where and when, because I truly believe that people come in your life not merely coming to visit like you're a vacation or something but they come with something, they might leave you or things may change that they have to leave, or perhaps you're the one who leave them behind and all but they and we all leave with permanent memories that can hardly be forgotten.

Come on, it'd be a lie if I would not put my all to make this friendship last, not with her only but with every single friends I have. But I do believe in fate. If I was meant to be with you, stick with you through thick and thin, stay forevermore, then I will. But if I was not, no matter what I do to save it, it will go anyway. Somehow we have to grow and be more realistic. But seriously I have to say to her calm yo tits because I really do love her and I will never let our friendship sink in like the freaking Titanic ship. We're so cool and Imma plan something adventurous for us maybe after the result is out. Insya Allah the best for each one of you SPM 2010 candidates. Much love. 

xx

Butterflies.

I hate it when feelings got heavier and deeper; heart begs for more and you couldn't simply halt at "enough". I hate it bad. Your mind starts to revolve around all possibilities in the whole wide world, you fall asleep with made up dreams already in mind only waiting to be explored and experienced in another world, your giggles are irrepressible every time you catch him running round your tiny little thoughts, you suck at denying to yourself (your hardcore attempts were mostly assumed failures) but you win to others; you fooled others these are intrinsically mere fun because you did have fun, little that others know and for God's sake you of all people know- the feelings grow out of proportion and now he's all you have in mind. No you don't call him or text him whenever he's attacking your heart; you don't do a thing. You are happy just by the replayed memories, the joys and laughters, the little moments, the silence, the more-to-come plans and all that's worth when you were together. Nothing hurts anymore. And you, miraculously, begin to believing, again...

xx

You make me.

I have nothing in mind right now to be frank but I've been listening to Marry You and Teenage Dream on repeat, no it is never about these two amazing songs; they're pretty outdated as many of you may say. But what attracts me in these songs are the youthfulness, the lyrics obviously speak teenagers. And how many times have I crossed myself not appreciative of my age as if I'm gonna be a teenager forever.. And how many times have you guys? Well then again, we may be ignorant or thoroughly clueless. We will never be young forever, teenagers. We never will be. We will grow though as much as we don't want to, we definitely will. Responsibilities are major once we grow and issues get more and more ponderous; the decisions we make have to be the least of mistakes because I find it is too perilous to make any wrongs when we get older. Perhaps I could only relate that to myself. There are reasons why some of us (like me) learnt so much in these years of youth; because we grew mature when it comes to life and all its worth, we grew comprehensible to life's amazements and puzzles, and how to live when life brings us down. We may learn that much but there are more to come for certain. Teenagers, we all should really live in the moment, appreciate the ups and downs and learn from everything life gives you, because the experiences would give you millions; sooner, or later. 

xx

Another round.

Tumblr is being such a..... no need I think for further clarification, it's just what Tumblr does, it's okay really. When you hit moments like that; you can just give a curse or two in front of your laptop or scream at it even but not enough, never enough when you are having a time like me when you found out something unpleasant. OMG OMG please I need air I need air. Okay screw that. I have this peculiar habit of not talking or divulging to even a single soul if ever something is bothering the shit out of me because I know it would fade. Anger fades. Annoyance fades. So no big. Obviously, acceptance is hard. But I adapted those things or situations regarding the thing called acceptance long ago, way back when, so never anymore acceptance is a hard thing. It comes like welcome signs everywhere for me. Imagine if (no, I don't even wanna say world) I'd say, the smallest stake; the circle of friends, schoolmates, or strangers you happened to hang out with, have a realization of the art of acceptance in their hearts. Wouldn't everyday blossom and fill with boundless joviality? I wished for that. But it's pretty much ludicrous. If acceptance is love, I'd long to give one to each and everyone out there.

xx

Spell on me

Sometimes, I wonder how it feels like to be lonely. You know, like the thorough loneliness that is so tactile from deep within, that seeps through your veins, all day every day, all night. The kind of lonesomeness that would make people go crazy, as if they could not live anymore, that they need somebody to indeed care for them because they are close to affirmation that no one cares. Or maybe just the lonely feeling after break ups or whatnots. Seriously wonder at its finest right now. Because I hardly feel it (not that I want to). Truth to be told. Not that I never had a one time or two of the slightest loneliness going through my heart sometimes at nights or days but that feeling never lasted, ever. There always will be something along the way that saves me, saves my doubt, catches me right back on track, lifts me up to stand again, and seriously like just now I was certain I was approaching that feeling somewhere deep enough and then a lot of things came in my way and... I am me again. It was mere minutes, I would swear. But one thing for sure, I would attempt to isolate myself at times of carelessness and boredom. Which is so absurd and mean. Hmmmm. Hahaha. K ignore me. Then again, Allah never leaves me all eating up of loneliness, and so I am grateful for that. 

OK this is actually a note-to-self, I guess? Will post something better later.

xx

Messing you, messing me.

When making up theories about certain things that are happening in your life right now, or merely your feelings that are super deniable but super real is eating yourself up, you know you gotta stop right at that moment with no back glance. I may have divulged this but I hate telling people about uncertain things and feelings and decisions and theories and everything. I hate optimism on uncertain things. A friend told me yesterday that I'm a pessimist. I shook my head upon that. I am not at all way a pessimist, I may be sometimes but that is not my core. I take possibilities or problems or issues in every logical and reasonable and optimistic and pessimistic ways, I look out for each end and begin. Either way, my mind would just know where to find clues or reasons and relations. My mind works that peculiar pattern, my mind does deserve some rest does not it? It has been so true to me. I am in need of some more. More what? I don't even know. Well, this is exactly what happens when I think too much. I mess my head. But I like it, hard.

xx

Pardon,

Ay may gad. I know, I know. I have been neglecting my blogspot since like what.. days. Trust me, busy and if ever I made time for writing in here, it'd cost me gold.  I write more than I talk. Apparently I'm having my well-deserved redemption of rest because of the wedding and the months of preparation. Mehehe the wedding went tremendously well. Everything went smooth and well, just remarkable. I had so much fun I swear, fatigues aside though they were as fun. So now I am currently like aforesaid resting and something is blossoming deep within me. Oh boy, I'm terrified.

xx