Let me put it this way. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I put so much of me in our relationship or I put so much faith or is it just that I'm so used with him that it makes me feel so bad when I don't get to see him? I don't know man. I know this isn't the exact direction that we agreed to, like I don't know man. Fck this shit. I mean pardon me. I mean I'm happy every time I spend my time with him, like we seriously did fun stuffs that are so not a waste of time (for me) and we both know what we both have in mind. I don't mind, I get it. But how can I not be feeling anything when I catch him stating that he's single now? I mean fck that man, he is. It's me. I want him. I want him to be something more than a someone. I want the old him so bad. I wish I can make him madly in love with me like how he used to. I can't accept this change yet cause it is so tragically occured in my life, it's not that I don't know but I don't expect him to be so.. you know. Fck changes, really. Ugh. It's true what my friend told me, it's hard to go on with no labels because somehow it sucks when the thing is not secured.

Fck my feelings, really.

Now I spend my holiday, beautifully arranged and balanced between my friends and family. I like that fact a lot. I searched for jobs, and I know I want to work but somehow I have that shitty gloomy feeling and so much reluctant in me that prevented me from willingly searched for the job. Thing is, it's like something real big or something real shitty is going to happen to me while I work. Fck that, doesn't it. It's like, it's stopping me from furthering what I wanna do. And God knows how weird it feels, like I want it, but I can't. Cause I already feel like something is gonna happen, which I won't like that much. Which is shitty and bad and it's gonna throb my heart apart. I don't think I swear. I just feel it.

I'm fine. I just need a glass of water.